Dear Empowered Wayer:
There’s a moment in the song,“Breaking Free” where the music drops away and all that’s left is a simple truth:
I’m done twisting myself into shapes.
When I wrote that line, I cried.
Not because it was poetic. But because I knew—in my bones—how many women have spent their entire lives doing exactly that. Twisting, bending, and contorting themselves into whatever shape would keep the peace, earn the love, avoid the rejection.
I know because I was one of them.
The Woman Who Almost Disappeared
When I was 18 years old, headed off to college, I had no idea what I wanted to study. In those days, you had to choose a major (being “undecided” wasn’t an option). I loved to write but couldn’t see how that could become a career, so I chose the next best thing. Psychology and English.
The sad thing about my state of mind at that time was emptiness - no desire to accomplish anything except start college and be an “adult.” I spent so many years being “the good girl” that I lost touch with myself.
This is what people-pleasing does.
It doesn’t just make you accommodating. It makes you disappear.
The Pattern Starts Early
Here’s what most women don’t realize: people-pleasing isn’t a personality flaw. It’s an intelligent adaptation.
Maybe you were a little girl who discovered that being “good”—which really meant quiet, accommodating, and focused on others’ needs—got you love and attention.
Maybe you learned that your natural expression led to rejection or the terrifying withdrawal of love.
Your nervous system made a calculation: Authenticity = danger. Performance = survival. And you’ve been performing ever since, choosing other’s happiness instead of being present.
The Exhaustion No One Sees
People-pleasing looks generous from the outside. The woman who always says yes as the helper and caretaker.
But inside?
It’s saying yes when every cell in your body is screaming no.
It’s smiling through resentment that builds like a pressure cooker.
It’s reading the room so carefully that you forget to read your own heart.
Worst of all, it’s making yourself small so others can feel big.
The song captures this exhaustion: “I’ve been saying yes when I mean no, smiling through the ache nobody knows, bending till I break, trying to be everything for everyone but me.”
The Over-Giving That Isn’t Really Giving
Here’s the thing about people-pleasing that nobody talks about:
It’s not actually generous. At it’s core, it’s manipulation to secure your emotional safety.
True giving comes from overflow, fullness and abundance. It’s the difference of pouring from a cup that is constantly full versus emptying the cup and not refilling it.
The hard truth is this: People-pleasing comes from emptiness. From the desperate hope that if you give enough, twist enough, perform enough—maybe, finally, you’ll earn the love you’re terrified of losing.
It’s not “I’m giving because I’m full.” It’s “I’m giving because I’m terrified you’ll leave if I don’t.”
And the person receiving can feel the difference. They can feel the invisible price tag. The unspoken expectation. The hidden resentment building under all that niceness.
The Failure to Receive
But here’s the harder truth:
People-pleasers are terrible at receiving.
You can give until you’re empty. But when someone tries to give to you? You deflect, minimize, and dismiss. Instead, you rush to reciprocate.
Someone offers help: “Oh no, I’m fine, really.”
You receive a compliment: “This old thing? It was on sale.”
Someone asks what you need: “Nothing, I’m good!”
Because if you let yourself need something, if you let yourself receive, you become vulnerable. And vulnerability feels like danger when your nervous system learned that depending on others isn’t safe.
So you give and give and give, and you refuse to receive, and you wonder why you feel so alone even when you’re surrounded by people.
You wonder why you’re exhausted even though everyone thinks you’re so strong.
The Sacred Math of Receiving
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of helping women break free:
You cannot give what you haven’t received.
Not really. Not sustainably. Not without resentment.
If you never let yourself receive—love, help, rest, nourishment, pleasure—then your giving becomes a performance in exchange for a transaction. If I give to you, then you will see me as worthy.
But when you let yourself receive? When you practice letting in the good?
Your giving transforms. It becomes genuine, authentic and free of hidden agendas.
You give because you want to, not because you’re terrified of what will happen if you don’t.
What Breaking Free Actually Means
The song declares: “Let the good girl die, let her rest in peace. I’m breaking free from people-pleasing.”
Breaking free doesn’t mean becoming selfish. It means learning to honor your truth alongside others’ needs. It means discovering that “no” is a complete sentence. It means practicing receiving as a sacred act. It means trusting that your authentic presence is more valuable than your perfect performance.
Yes—some people will be upset when you stop people-pleasing. The people who benefited from your self-abandonment won’t celebrate your sovereignty.
But their discomfort is not your responsibility to manage.
Your responsibility is to come home to yourself.
And give from your sovereign presence, not your insecurities.
The Practice of Not Twisting
Here’s what I want you to try this week:
Notice when you’re about to twist yourself into a shape.
When you’re about to say yes and your body is saying no.
When you’re about to agree and your gut is saying wait.
Just notice. Then ask yourself: What would it feel like to not twist right now? What would it feel like to pause before answering?
To let someone else be uncomfortable instead of immediately rushing to fix it?
What would it feel like to choose my truth over their comfort?
Why This Song Matters Most
Of all the songs on the “Sovereign Woman Revealed” album, this one might be the most important. Because people-pleasing is the pattern that keeps all the other patterns locked in place.
When you’re constantly monitoring everyone else’s reactions, you can’t hear your own voice.
When you’re endlessly accommodating others, you can’t honor your own body’s wisdom.
When you’re performing to earn love, you can’t risk authentic connection.
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just one change.
It’s the change that makes all other changes possible.
It’s the key that unlocks your sovereignty.
Go Deeper
To get you started, I created a short clip from the song.
Listen to “Breaking Free from People-Pleasing.” Let the music move through you and notice what it stirs up. Consider where you’re still twisting into shapes for other people.
This song is just the beginning. In Session 1 of my “How to Become a Sovereign Woman” course on EmpoweredWay.com, we explore the entire psychology and neuroscience of self-abandonment—why it happens, how it shows up in your body, and the specific practices that help you break free.
The course takes you through six transformational sessions, each one building on this foundation of coming home to yourself.
Tell Me Your Story
Where are you still twisting yourself into shapes? Where are you over-giving and refusing to receive? What would it mean for you to break free?
Comment below. I’m listening.
The good girl can rest now. Your authentic self is waiting.
With blessings and love,
Kathryn
